Tuesday, August 10, 2010

RIP: Richard

My friend Richard died........I found out today. It's been raining all day and I feel like weather. 

I wasnt going to blog about this because its too sad...but I blog about death often enough that that it is almost suitable to use this as an outlet  to cope or... express myself...or whateverthefuckidontknow.

As I stated in my will which I wrote years ago and just revised two weeks before he passed :  

VERY IMPORTANT I need someone to call Richard….tell him I loved him very much and always appreciated him being there for me. He’s the father I never had I'm sorry I had to go before he did. “No habla espanol”
....and by that, I'm sure you can all imagine how much pain I am in right now.
I dont know what to do.

As usual, when these things happen....I wasn't able to say bye. It kills me. I have never lost anyone this close to me and I now understand how those people feel when they look around and realize that this person is truly gone...no magical materializing in the middle of the night, no messages through white noise, ...nothing....just that. Not being able to say bye to the person you love is heartbreaking...now I know.

I have been so caught up with unimportant shit and I just didn't want to bring him down so I haven't called in a few weeks. I feel I should have been more aware of how bad his condition was getting. I should stop finding reasons to blame myself.

Anyway, judging by the video he posted on my myspace page just days before he died...I am assuming he knew.

Click here to watch 

Im sure he had no clue that this song plays almost daily where I work. What a drag. The sweet sound of Ella replaced with the crippling feeling of losing someone you love.

So I guess I should take this moment  to say bye....


 I love you more than I love my father....and hurts me so much that I can no longer pick up a phone and call you, and that  you wont be walking  me down the isle like i imagined. What makes me the most sad is that with time, I wont remember your voice anymore, but I will always miss you and love you and I promise that I will never forget you. All the times you said ridiculous shit, lectured me, tried to help, made me laugh...and did that terrible English accent (that amused me so much) when you pretended that "Zilly" grabbed the phone from you. I will never meet anyone else like you......RIP Richard <3 I love you so much.


And if someone says "He went to a better place" one more time Im going to stab one of you!
Its not a better place...he died....death....darkness....not a better place at all.